Operation “Save Curtis”: The Meltdown

Hi.

I tried to have this done earlier this morning, but as you’ll find out, this one actually required some brain power on my part. Lemme tell you – after the first “Curtis” skit, people started requesting more, and more, and more. They were honestly getting harder to top. It’s been fun, but unfortunately this is probably the last installment of the “Curtis” series – unless more material presents itself. I spent a little bit more time on this one – please let me know if it’s better, or worse, than the others.

And now….without further ado:

 

 

Operation: “Save Curtis”

The Meltdown

ye-curtis-vmas.jpg

Starring:

 

Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson as himself

 

Forrest Whitaker as Tony Yayo

 

KanYe West as himself

 

Dave Chappelle as L.A. Reid

 

Jimmy Walker as Jay-Z

 

Vince Vaughn as Jimmy Iovine

 

Tiny Lister as Common, a.k.a. Lonnie “The Mystical Homo”

 

Aretha Franklin as Donda West

 

Nasir Jones as himself

 

Lloyd Banks as himself

 

WC as Spider Loc

Owen Wilson as Kenny Chesney

 

And introducing

 

Phuque as Mick Swagger, Interscope Records’ Marketing Director

The year: 2007.

Interscope records has tried everything. Executing a near-fatal plan to steal Swizz Beatz’s Casio, to sending the goonies to KanYe’s studio, both of which have failed. Now, with Jimmy Iovine dead, and KanYe on his way to being number one, Curtis must pull out all stops to save his album, or else he’ll….um…still be rich and famous.

But his ego will suffer…greatly.

Yeah.

Location: Interscope Office Headquarters, 342nd floor

We join Curtis and Yayo in the middle of a staff meeting. Tension is thick, as the future of Curtis Jackson’s career hangs in the balance.

No homo.

Yayo (screaming for no apparent reason): “Listen up bitches!! It’s crunch time!! This man doesn’t even have half as many pre-orders as that carebear-ass nigga KanYe. Iovine is dead, so Fif is in H.G.I.C. now.”

Curtis (from corner of room playing XBox): “The fuck that mean, nigga?”

Yayo (timid): “Um…Head Gorilla In Charge. I came up with it myself. You feelin’ that?”

Curtis (jumping up): “Hell the fuck naw bitch!

(Yayo backs up as Curtis throws a bitch-made hissy fit)

Curtis (tearing up): “This is some bull-ass shit nigga!! You almost killed me at the BET Awards, Jimmy said if we stole that beat from Swizz everything would be gravy! Now he DEAD! After that bitch nigga Dre heard about that shit with Common he locked himself in the studio…AGAIN, Em ain’t returnin’ my fuckin’ calls, and now Nielsen Soundscan tryna tell me that a bottle of Vitamin Water don’t count as an album sold!!! FUCK THAT!!!”

Yayo: “Fif! FIF!! It’s me nigga!! ‘Twa – I mean Tony!!!”

(Curtis slowly walks up towards Yayo)

Yayo (very slowly): “Please….don’t….hurt….me…..there…..again…..”

(Curtis looks at Yayo for a second, then turns and hops out of the window, climbing down the side of the building)

Mick Swagger (to Yayo): “Um…does this mean we can go home now?”

Yayo (taking off urine-soaked pants): “Do whatever the fuck ya’ll want. I’m movin’ back to Queens where I know that nigga will never look for me!!! HERE WE GO!!!!”

(Yayo runs toward elevator at lightning speed)

___________________________________________________________

Location: Def Jam Office Headquarters, 395th floor, L.A. Reid’s office

L.A. Reid and Jay-Z are celebrating with KanYe on a job well done. Lonnie stands guard at the door.

KanYe: “Really ya’ll…it was too easy. I’m the good guy! Niggas love me!”

(cameras flash)

Jay: “No homo.”

KanYe: “Whatever. Yo L.A., can you check those pre-orders again?”

(L.A. types on his laptop, takes a sip of his 40 oz. of Old English 800)

L.A. Reid: “Damn nigga!! We just cracked a milly! I’m fuckin’ – I mean we fuckin’ RICH, B!!”

(L.A. opens up iTunes on his laptop and plays “I Get Money” at full volume, jumps on top of desk, and does Yayo dance)

L.A. Reid (with song): “…I’m stanky rich/Ima die tryna spend this shit…”

Jay (shaking his head, chuckles): “Ya’ll crazy. I feel like celebratin’.”

(Jay calls Nasir Jones, who happens to be sitting on a park bench smoking a spliff, writing poems in the moonlight)

Nas: “Salaam.”

Jay: “Nas. Jay. Yo – you remember that six figure check I promised you last year?”

Nas: “Yeah.”

Jay: “And the um…how I said I was just playin’ about that whole “condom in the baby seat” thing?”

Nas: “Yeah.”

Jay: “GOTCHA BITCH!!!”

(Jay hangs up phone. Everyone laughs uncontrollably, except Lonnie, who is dressed like Agent Smith from The Matrix and remains complete still, silent, and homo. Suddenly, the building begins to shake)

L.A. Reid: “Earthquake nigga!!”

KanYe: “Maaan….That’s probably just my mama.”

Jay: “Or it could be Biggie.”

*collective blank stare*

(the office window shatters, and a large Gorilla/Bunny-like figure jumps through)

L.A. Reid: “Daaayyumm!! Did this nigga Curtis just climb all the way up here?? I knew I shoulda signed yo’ ass!!!”

Jay: “No homo.”

(Curtis just stands there as the wind blows violently through the broken window, growling and staring at Lonnie)

KanYe West (putting on Venetian glasses): “This nigga ain’t still ain’t learned.”

(Lonnie and Curtis continue to stare each other down for a few seconds, some weird ass techno music starts to play in background)

Lonnie: “Bring it.”

(Jay, KanYe, and L.A. run for cover as Curtis flies toward Lonnie and tries to grab his throat, but Lonnie is much quicker and manages to duck, radio for backup, and give Curtis the “Twopeiceannabiscuit” before Curtis realizes that happened)

Curtis (beating his chest): “RWARRARAR!!!!!”

Lonnie: “You cannot defeat me. I am unfuckwitable.”

(L.A. looks over at Kanye, who is holding him close and shivering)

L.A. Reid: “Maan, get off me you little bitch!! Lonnie whoop his monkey ass!!!”

(The office door flies open, and Donda West storms in along with a couple of metrosexual goons in “College Bear” t-shirts, some very bad “Blaxploitation” movie music plays)

Donda: “You rang, Lonnie?”

L.A. Reid: “Aww shit!!! Now what you gonna do Monkey, huh?!?!?”

Kanye (running over to Donda): “MAMA!!”

(Donda stops Kanye in his tracks via her amazing telekinetic ability, slams him into L.A.’s desk)

Donda: “Shut up bitch. How come I always gotta save your ass?”

(While Donda and Kanye argue back and forth, Curtis presses a device on his chain, which signals the G-Unit crew into action)

Donda (to Curtis): “You know you dun’ fucked up right?”

Curtis: “RWARARWRARRRR!!!!!”

Donda: You daaaaaaaamn right.”

(Donda floats up into the air, flinging every object she can at Curtis. He manages to avoid the objects, climb the wall, and attack Donda from behind . Lloyd Banks and Spider Loc enter the office)

Lloyd Banks (breathing heavily): “Damn elevators is out.”

Spider Loc: “Shut up you mark ass nigga! Fif we got here as soon as we could cuz!”

(All out brawl ensues between Donda, her metrosexual goonies, Curtis, Lonnie, Banks, and Spider Loc)

L.A. Reid (sipping 40): “This….this is some crazy ass shit!!! What the fuck else could possibly happen??? I mean really?!?!?!?”

(the power shuts off)

L. A. Reid (looks at camera): “The FUCK ?!?”

(a helicopter flies into the side of the office in slow motion, damn near killing everyone)

KanYe (sobbing): “WE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIEEE!!!”

(KENNY CHESNEY steps out of the helicopter slowly, dressed in all black and carrying his guitar)

Kenny (looking around, speaking slowly): Yeeeww suuuuns of bitches.”

Curtis: “RWARAARRR -“

Kenny: “Shet up!”

(Kenny fires a tranquilizer dart from his guitar, paralyzing Curtis instantly)

L.A. Reid: “Damn!!!! This nigga got that good shit….Lemme get one a them!!!”

Kenny: “You punk mutherfuckerr. I can’t believe ya’ll would have the nerve to set up your little “mar-ket-ing” plan on the same day my album drops.”

(Kenny points his guitar around the room)

Kenny (pointing at KanYe): “Who’s idea was this? HUH?? Was it YEERRS?!?!?”

Kanye: “Naw man!! It wasn’t me dawg!!! I promise!!!”

Kenny (pointing at Jay): “What about YOU?”

Jay-Z (thinking for a sec): “Well that depends actually. If this whole thing happens to be successful then I’ll take credit for it, but if not, then it was Dame’s idea.”

Kenny: “I’m gonna git to the bottom of this!!! Somebody is gonna pay for neglectin’ Kenny Chesney’s Just Who I Am: Poets & Pirates!!!”

(voice from outside of office): “Actually, it was my idea.”

(JIMMY IOVINE steps over rubble, and into office)

Jay-Z: “Daaayyumm.”

(L.A. Reid faints)

KanYe: “But you…But he…”

Jimmy: “Yup. I was “dead”. KanYe, after making a deal with Satan, I’ve been a record executive for 300 years now. I don’t think three crochet needles can stop me.”

Donda: “But why Jimmy? What’s the reason? What’s the purpose behind this all??”

Jimmy: “Donda c’mon…it’s all about the green!! We record execs still have to pull a profit from an industry on the decline. Do you understand how difficult it is to sell music to the consumer nowadays?”

Lloyd Banks: “Hell yea.”

Jimmy: “Well we obviously know why no one is buying your records, dumbass.”

Lloyd Banks (looking around): “Well….FUCK ALL YA’LL!!!”

(Lloyd throws himself out of window)

Kanye: “How can you do this Jimmy?? How can you take innocent lives with no remorse???”

Jimmy Iovine: “It’s really not that hard, Kanye.”

Jay-Z: “No homo.”

Jimmy: “Sure….whatever. Anyway a few lives had to be sacrificed in order for the music industry to remain intact. So I hatched the plan into action. In order to keep things going, I had to cater to both Kanye and 50’s egos.”

Kanye: “That’s why you came to the studio that day…”

Jimmy: “Yep. I knew your head was too big not to change your release date. And I knew Curtis was…well…Curtis. It was too easy. I even took a page out of L.A.’s book and tricked Jay-Z into thinking he was the one in control. I out-thought you with my mind.”

(Jay-Z looks over edge of building)

Jay-Z (to self): “Happy thoughts. Beyonce. No – Rihanna. Money. 40/40. Takeover. Money…”

Jimmy: “You see guys, everything I was doing was for the greater good.”

Kenny: “No it wasn’t! What about my album??”

Jimmy: “Heh…sorry Kenny. Country music just wasn’t in the equation. Besides…everyone knows you’re terrible.”

(Kenny tries to shoot a tranquilizer dart at Jimmy from his guitar, but Jimmy stops it in mid-air – with his mind)

Jimmy: “You know….I’m getting awful tired of that.”

(Jimmy forces Kenny’s body into the air and flings him across the city of New York)

Kanye: “So what do we do now??”

Jimmy: “We wait until September 19th. I’m goin’ to Outback….you guys want anything?”

*collective blank stare*

Jimmy: “Fine…suit yourselves.”

(Jimmy strolls out, whistling the chorus to “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”)

THE END…

….or is it??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15 Responses to “Operation “Save Curtis”: The Meltdown”

  1. reythehussein Says:

    I demand more. MORE! MORE!!

    Good shit, Phuque. You have a gift for the absurd, and that’s a compliment.

  2. The-XFacta "BronxRap.Com" Says:

    1st!

  3. Big Homie Says:

    First.

    Okay this is by far the best one yet. This shit had me rolling homie. This needs to continue. Definitely not the end. You need to continue on what goes on September 19th when the sales are in.

    LMAO

  4. Phuque Says:

    Thanks guys…I dunno Big Homie, we’ll see.

  5. Soul Says:

    Funny shit Phuque!

  6. Big Homie Says:

    Thanks guys…I dunno Big Homie, we’ll see.

    ^^ It only make sense to continue it. I mean after the first week sales is basically the outcome of this all correct?

  7. That Man Says:

    Who produced that “Smile” track for Curtis? Do you know Two-Times?

  8. Aura Says:

    I don’t think this is funny at all.

  9. Phuque Says:

    # Aura Says:
    September 11th, 2007 at 4:02 pm edit

    I don’t think this is funny at all.

    ^^

    What’s even funnier is that I’m probably the first person to ever visit your “blog”.

  10. green eyes Says:

    bravo

  11. Phuque Says:

    Thanks greenie –

    But now that I’ve let this marinate – it’s actually not that funny. I refuse to go out like this.

    *goes back to the lab*

  12. hoodtalk.org Says:

    FUCK BOY..

    NOBODY VISTS THIS SHIT

    CLOSE THIS SHIT DOWN

  13. LL(not the rappa) Says:

    LMAO..good stuff phuque..what an exciting imagination u have.

  14. angry black man kheri wes Says:

    yo phuque, that shit was pretty funny i had to go back and read the others….we need an encore do one for when curtis see’s the soun scans

  15. BadBoy Says:

    Phuque, man I loved it! That ish was funny as hell!

    In all honesty, I think this one was NOT the best out of the 3. Not to take anything away from it, cuz it was still great. Your other 2 are greater, but all of it is great work. And I think these are much better than those Roc-a scenes.

    I see your going back to the lab…so I’ll definitely be back bro.

    Peace

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