Operation Save “Curtis” Pt. 2: The Negotiation

kanye_7050.jpg

(We join Curtis in the middle of an interview with XXL Magazine…)

So…how do you think “Curtis” is going to do as far as first week numbers are concerned?

Curtis (calmly): “Well…indubitably speaking, my theory upon the situation concerns the fact that my album is “Curtis”. Therefore I think that I still maintain the capacity to sell 4 million cases of Vitamin Water domestic, and 4 million internationally.”

That’s wonderful. How do you feel about Def Jam releasing Kanye’s album on the same day as yours?

Curtis: “Well antidisestablishmentarianism definitely plays a role in this situation. But as far as the bottom line is concerned, periodically speaking of course, I can’t comprehend the logic behind this move. I’m going to outsell Kanye West. Jay knows this. L.A. knows this. Bo knows this. It’s simple mathematics: when you multiply the division, he doesn’t even have enough cases of Vitamin Water to sell. I win.”

Fantastic. You’re the best 50. Any parting thoughts?

Curtis: I’m too smart to think. In fact I believe that the general public thinks that I’m above the average thinker when it comes to thinking. Steroi – I mean, um…..Vitamin….Water.

*clears throat*

Curtis.

___________________________________________________

(A couple days later, in an Los Angeles recording studio)

Kanye West: “I’m the greatest producer to ever hire producers to produce and take credit for producing it. I mean I ain’t braggin’ or nothin’, but…….I mean…..look at my jeans dawg! And my hoodie, my hoodie is just so very rainbow. By the time I record “Good Ass Job” people ain’t even gonna have to listen to the music – they just gon’ look at me and be like “Damn that nigga fresh!” and they’ head just gonna start bobbin’.”

T-Pain (in Roger Troutman voice): “Nigga-we’ve-been-in-this-studio-for-three-days-and-you-ain’t done-nothin’-but-called-your-momma-and-talked-about-your-clothes. When-we-gonna-make-a-song? The-white-man-in-the-corner-been-ready-to-record-for-like-4-hours.”

Jon Brion (on piano, shivering): “I haven’t eaten in a week!”

Kanye West: “Nigga this how I get down in the lab!! My swagga just makes the idea come out, then I just discombobulate it inta action. I mean……look at my watch!! 7 different time zones – and it’s digital!! C’mon how they ain’t gon’ love that? And everybody love when I make songs about bein’ broke all the time. Sheeit – if only they knew how much I’m gettin’ for my beats now.”

Jon Brion (timid voice): “Don’t you mean, our beats, Mr. West sir??”

Kanye West (looks @ T-Pain) “You say somethin’ nigga?”

T-Pain (walking out of the room): “This-is-some-bullshit. I-should-of-called-Polow….”

Kanye (fumbling with some knobs & switches, to self) “Mayonnaise-colored Benz/I push miracle whips….”

(30 minutes later the studio door opens)

Kanye: “Aight T-Pain me and Jo – I mean I got something for you to start on. My verse go like this: “Look at my watch nigga, seven different time zones/It’s kinda helpful when I have ta fly home/I’m so fly I got ya bitches callin’ my phone/said they wanna push my miracle whips to my home”. See? Miracle whips?? ‘member that, nigga?? ”

(*wack verse crickets*)

Kanye (still fumbling with buttons, not turning around): “Ha-Haaaa! See? That shit is so hot I left you speechless!”

(a vocoder flies over Kanye’s head, crashing into the mixer board, Kanye lets out high-pitched scream – looks over and sees Curtis and Jimmy Iovine standing in doorway)

(Kanye immediately bitches up, tries to call mother on speed dial)

Jimmy Iovine: “That won’t be necessary. We’re not here to hurt you.”

Kanye (looking over @ vocoder): “Wh-where’s T-Pain?”

Curtis (calmly): “I killed him.”

Kanye (tearing up): “WHY???”

Curtis: “Vitamin Water.”

Jimmy (looks frustrated, sighs): “He was in our way. Besides, his albums are horrible, wouldn’t you agree?”

Kanye: “Well……yeah. But Jay said-”

Jimmy: “Forget about Jay right now, Mr. West. We’re here on business. Curtis?”

(Curtis pulls out note and begins to read)

Curtis (a la “Steve the Magazine Salesman” from Office Space): “Dear Mr. West. I get money. But for some par…par….”

Jimmy: “Sound it out…”

Curtis: “Par-tick-u-lar…particular reason, Def Jam does not want me to get money. Jay-Z does not like the fact that I am stanky rich. I know that you are not a gangsta, and that you don’t want to die. Therefore, instead of me threatening to choke you out, I have decided to offer you this 75.00 gift card, good at any Sunglass Hut store, along with this case of Vitamin Water – as long as you don’t show up to 106 & Park on September 11th.”

Jimmy: “Whaddya think, Kanye? Fair enough right? I mean….we just want everything to go smoothly.”

Kanye (not making any eye contact with either person): “Look ya’ll…my fans depend on me. I don’t know if I can do that. I mean, I ain’t necessarily my fault that you’ve already released 13 singles and went 3748190437189076 dollars over Interscope’s budget. Didn’t you just redo half of your album again too? Iono nigga…it ain’t lookin’ too good for you anyway. Ima have to say no.”

Jimmy (shakes head): “Not a wise move, Mr. West.”

(Curtis delivers a right hook to Kanye’s jaw, breaks hand)

Curtis (holding arm): “What the fuck???”

Kanye (taps jaw with fist): “Adamantium bitch.”

Curtis: “So that’s why you be talkin’ all that shit!!!”

(Kanye hits a button on his watch that send a signal to Def Jam offices….and his mother)

Jimmy: “Impressive…but we figured you might not go for our initial offer so we brought a little “insurance” along just in case.”

(Lloyd Banks and Hot Rod enter the room with an unconscious Lonnie the Mystical Homo tied up and gagged)

Kanye: “Awww damn…”

Jimmy: “Care to reconsider?”

(Kanye strikes a thinking pose, cameras flash out of nowhere)

Kanye: “How about this….I got this beat, man. It’s the most epic shit I think I ever came up wit’. I’ll let you feature on it and we can put it on both our albums, then we can still drop the same day and cross-promote it as a single.”

Curtis (still in pain): “Lemme hear it first nigga.”

(Kanye hits play)

(the lights dim, a fog machine starts up, and disco lights begin flashing everywhere)

(“Stronger” begins blasting through the studio monitors, the infectious sound causes Lonnie to regain consciousness and bite through gag)

Lonnie: “I can….I can feel the POWER!!!!”

(Lonnie eyes begin glowing, Kanye puts on shades and strikes another pose, cameras flash)

(Jon Brion runs for his life….and a sammich)

Curtis (scared, backing up): “What the fuck is this bullshit Jimmy??”

(before Jimmy can answer, three crochet needles silently connect to his jugular, killing him instantly)

Banks: “The FUCK?!?”

(Lonnie begins breakdancing uncontrollably to the music, knocking every G Unit member unconscious, with only Curtis remaining)

(Kanye mouths the lyrics to his song as if he is in a music video)

Lonnie (jumping up and glaring @ Curtis): “You hurt my friend.”

Curtis (yelling): “Naw nigga!! He hurt ME!! Look at my muthafuckin’ arm nigga!!! This is my mircophone hand!!!!”

Lonnie (walking toward Curtis, hands glowing): “You fucked with the wrong niggas Curtis.”

Curtis (backing toward door, crying): “This wasn’t even my idea man!!! Jimmy said that if I didn’t wanna look like a bitch I had to make this nigga change his release date!!!!! I didn’t even wanna go…I’m…..I’m sorry dawg!!”

(Lonnie flies toward Curtis with a Dragon Snap kick, breaking two ribs)

(Curtis runs outside, hops in Kanye’s Mayonnaise-colored Benz and dips)

(Lonnie and Kanye give each other dap….and a kiss)

___________________________________________________

(Back @ Def Jam HQ, Jay-Z walks into L.A. Reid’s office)

Jay-Z (zipping up pants): “It has come to my attention that Interscope is using extreme measures to force us out of the September 11th release date. They attacked ‘Ye, and they kidnapped Common.”

L.A. Reid (sipping on a bottle of Old English with his feet up, in Samuel L. Jackson voice): “Word?? Tell them niggas it’s finna be a hot summer!!!”

Jay-Z: “But sir….summer’s almost ov-“

L.A.: “Matta fact, get that nigga Iovine on the phone!!”

Jay-Z: “Jimmy Iovine is dead, sir.”

L.A.: “Damn! Who they got runnin’ shit over there now??”

Jay-Z: “Well according to this fax I received, if in any event Jimmy Iovine should be killed, all managerial duties will be awarded to Mr. Curtis Jackson.”

L.A.: “The FUCK?!?”

Jay-Z: “Exactly. This game is over….I wonder if he knows. Look, I gotta get back to my office – Rihanna is waiting. You need anything else?”

L.A.: “Yeah….get a hold of that nigga Joe Budden….let him know I lost his advance money in a dice game two weeks ago. He’ll understand.”

to be continued…

 

 

28 Responses to “Operation Save “Curtis” Pt. 2: The Negotiation”

  1. Big Homie Says:

    LMAO you are a fuckin fool. *dies*

  2. Rey aka Somebody Owes Me A Steak Says:

    FIRST!

  3. Rey aka Somebody Owes Me A Steak Says:

    Fuck.

    Anyway, This shit is hilarious.. I seriously needed to stop for a breather when the “Stronger” part happened.

    …and kanye produces his shit, dammit!!!

    “(Kanye hits a button on his watch that send a signal to Def Jam offices….and his mother)” = CLASSIC.

    Good shit, Phuque.

  4. Phuque Says:

    ^^Thank you sir.

  5. Big Homie Says:

    LMAO at Lonnie breakdancing knockin over all members of G-Unit

  6. Phuque Says:

    # Big Homie Says:
    August 13th, 2007 at 12:34 pm edit

    LMAO at Lonnie breakdancing knockin over all members of G-Unit

    ^^Well the beat is pretty infectious…ask LandLORD…lol…

  7. green eyes Says:

    BRILLIANT! phuque- you done outdid yourself

  8. Phuque Says:

    # green eyes Says:
    August 13th, 2007 at 12:42 pm edit

    BRILLIANT! phuque- you done outdid yourself

    ^^You just made a black man blush🙂

  9. lo k Says:

    hahaha… this ninja said he lost his advance money in a dice game… smh… good sh!t…

  10. pockets Says:

    LMFAOO that shit was hilariousss bro

    good shit phuque, cant wait till the next installment

  11. Paperstacker Says:

    LMAO, my favorite parts:

    “Kanye (taps jaw with fist): “Adamantium bitch.”

    “Yeah….get a hold of that nigga Joe Budden….let him know I lost his advance money in a dice game two weeks ago. He’ll understand.”

    (Lonnie eyes begin glowing, Kanye puts on shades and strikes another pose, cameras flash)

    (the lights dim, a fog machine starts up, and disco lights begin flashing everywhere)

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    I swear I pictured the Stronger video for the above, with kanye doing them funny ass dance moves.

    Look foward to the next installment.

  12. candyraindrops Says:

    Curtis (calmly): “Well…indubitably speaking, my theory upon the situation concerns the fact that my album is “Curtis”. Therefore I think that I still maintain the capacity to sell 4 million cases of Vitamin Water domestic, and 4 million internationally.”

    ^^^^LMAO LMAO! U crazy azz….LUVS IT!..

  13. Belize Says:

    Good post phuque!

  14. hoodtalk.org Says:

    that shit wasnt the least bit funny

  15. Phuque Says:

    ^^Yet you’re here again….and you commented. Thanks for stopping by🙂

  16. Bare Arms Says:

    and now the game begins…

  17. nation Says:

    >> Curtis: I’m too smart to think. In fact I believe that the general public thinks that I’m above the average thinker when it comes to thinking. Steroi – I mean, um…..Vitamin….Water.

    LMFAO

    >> Kanye (fumbling with some knobs & switches, to self) “Mayonnaise-colored Benz/I push miracle whips….”

    (c) http://www.roc-a-scenes.com

    >> Kanye (tearing up): “WHY???”
    >> Curtis: “Vitamin Water.”

    hilarity

  18. Phuque Says:

    nation:

    >> Kanye (fumbling with some knobs & switches, to self) “Mayonnaise-colored Benz/I push miracle whips….”

    (c) http://www.roc-a-scenes.com

    ^^I tried not to go in their direction…but he mentions that line so much I had to use it at least once…lol…

  19. OnPoint Says:

    That “Bo Knows” caught me off guard, couldnt stop laughing.

  20. Big Homie Says:

    LMAO..at me thinking of the interview in this post when I saw his recent MTV interview.

  21. Big Homie Says:

    Oh shit…my blue name…I must be logged on…everybody

    http://www.myhangover.wordpress.com is my blue name

    There you go Phuque 21 comments…I got you out the teens

  22. G7 Says:

    22 2’s

  23. hoodtalk.org Says:

    more fuckboy fuckery

  24. candyraindrops Says:

    LOL @ hootie

  25. 88andup Says:

    Hip HopDX Poster aka C Boy

    There seems to be a problem that occured earlier in Meka’s post that some of you took offense to, but if yall had handled your site appropriately like a credible hip hop site should, your site wouldn’t have been called out. Now, let me clear this up, we understand that not everyone of you posters are homo’s, we only know of a few on here due to some visitors that are from are site who like to read nahrights material. Hoodtalk aka hootie i guess thats what his friends call him on here, is offically certified fruity around the internet, which is never a good thing, seeing that he’s nahrights own, yall might wan’t to ban him asap. Bottom line is, step your game up nr, because I could air out more homo comments that were made on here by various posters, but i’ll pass for today. As for the nr posters who came to meka’s blog to express their feelings for being exposed to another top notch web site, yall have the right to be pissed and this is no peace treaty, but yall need to take care of the suspect acts that occurs here on the daily before yall go at DX. If yall have anything else to say, seeing that yall posted on a blog a day late when nobody was on there, feel free to go to one of the more recent blogs tomorrow.

  26. hoodtalk.org Says:

    nobody likes this blog and nobody visits this piece of shit blog

  27. green eyes Says:

    yes we do

  28. Still Starving Says:

    Wow, this whole thing is getting outta control. When will these two leave the biz.

    http://www.stillstarving.com

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