Operation: Save “Curtis”

gunit1.jpg

From his 12873210893 sq ft. mansion in Connecticut, Curtis is on conference call w/ heads at Interscope…

Curtis (while sipping on a Vitamin Water & smiling): “..but like I was saying though, we can just play it off like I meant to fuck my first verse up right?”

John, Steve, Bob (simultaneously): “Of course Mr. Jackson sir!”

Curtis: “Word. Ha-Ha-Ha. Ha-Ha. Ha. So pre-orders is down, and not one of my seven singles cracked the top ten. Steve, any ideas?”

Steve: “Um…Vitamin Water?”

Curtis: “WE’VE TRIED THAT!!! Put Bob on the phone, nigga!”

Bob (timid): “Um…yes Mr. Jackson?”

Curtis: “Wassup with that internet research you been doin’…”

___________________________

(Later that night, three men dressed in black are seen breaking into a New York studio…)

Banks: “I dunno Fif, this just don’t seem lik-”

Curtis: “Nigga if I wanted to know your opinion, I’d give you some Vitamin Water!! You wanna end up like Yayo after that BET incident?? Bob got some info off the internet from some homo nigga on NahRight.com that’s on my dick promotin’ my album. He said this is where Swizz was recording shit at, so this is where we can find it.”

(The three men begin searching through Swizz’s studio looking for the hottest beat they can find……)

___________________________

(6 hours and 3 Casios later…)

Buck: “Aye dawg, peep this shit.”

(Buck hits play, and a beat that sounds almost identical to Cassidy’s “I’m a Hustla” begins to play throught the monitors)

Banks: “Damn nigga, that shit sounds just like that Cassi-”

Curtis: “Shut up nigga! This shit knocks…turn it up.”

(Buck turns it higher)

Curtis: “Aight…this must be the one he was talkin’ about. Buck, grab the Casio and let’s dip before this rat-lookin’ nigga Swizz shows up.”

Buck: “Aight Fif, but I think Banks right dawg…this shit sound too much lik-”

Curtis (high-pitched, slowly): “Nigga do I PAY YOU to think?”

Buck: “Umm…”

Banks (after thinking about it): “Yo Buck…I might be wrong, but I think the answer to that one is no…..he actually pays us for protection from the “bad people.””

Curtis (reaching for the nearest blunt object he can find): “Nigga I don’t need protect-”

(Before he can finish, Swizz Beatz, DMX, and Drag-On walk into the studio…DMX and Buck immediately lock eyes with each other and begin barking uncontrollably)

Drag-On (in chipmunk voice): “whatthefuckyalldoinupinheremayne?”

Swizz: “Yeah.”

Curtis: “Umm…we wanted to talk about possibly….umm…”

(Curtis grabs a Casio and throws it at Swizz, instantly snapping his spinal cord)

Banks: “Run!!”

(Drag-On does a triple backflip off of a wall and lands in front of the door, blocking Curtis & Banks)

Drag-On: “Fuckyouthinkyougoinniggas?”

Curtis: “Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha. Nigga you 4 foot 2. You couldn’t jump off my foot and hit me in the ankle. Besides…..Vitamin Water.”

(Drag-On furiously begins speaking Chinese gibberish, does a flurry of Tae-Bo moves, the last one hitting Curtis across the face)

Curtis (looking at Banks and Buck, eyes watering): “What ya’ll niggas standing there for?? I pay ya’ll for protection!!!!! GET EM BUCK!!!”

Buck (Caught in a headlock by DMX, whining): “Nigga I’m tired of this shit!! Everytime somethin’ pop off I end up stabbin’ somebody fa’ YO’ ass!!!! I QUIT!!!”

(Buck looks up at DMX)

Buck: “Ya’ll hirin’?”

(Meanwhile, Drag-On continues to slap up Curtis, Banks pulls out his Nokia and calls Jimmy Iovine…)

Jimmy: “Banks…this better be a good enough reason for me to get off of Nicole Sherisinger Schurzingur Scherzinger…what is it?”

Banks (sobbing): “We need BACKUP dawg!! This is all FUCKED up!!! Drag-On is givin’ 50 the business, Buck done switched sides on us…”

Jimmy (calmly): “Alright, alright….shit, Bob was right….ya’ll are some bitches. I’ll put a call through to the goonie-goon-goons…hang tight.”

(After a brief phone call to Jim Jones, G Unit is saved, the Casio is retrieved, and “I Get Money” is born…)

___________________________

(Back at Interscope Offices, Curtis meets with Jimmy….)

Curtis: “Whaddup…you wanted to see me?”

Jimmy: “Yeah…have a seat, Fif.”

Curtis: “What’s goin on? Did you get that case of Vitamin Water I sent you?”

Jimmy: “It’s not that Fif….we’ve got….problems.”

Curtis: “What kind of problems, nigga? If this is about me messin’ up my verse at the BET Awards I told you it was Yay-“

Jimmy: “Curtis listen….you’ve recorded twelve singles so far, including “I Get Money”….none of which has even touched the top ten. And….”

Curtis: “And what nigga?”

Jimmy: “I just got off the phone with L.A. over at Def Jam. Kanye is dropping on September 11.”

Curtis: *blank stare*

To be continued…

 

 

36 Responses to “Operation: Save “Curtis””

  1. The-XFacta Says:

    Hater!

  2. Phuque Says:

    smh…X, you act like you ain’t know this already…

  3. The-XFacta Says:

    *Clears Phlem*

    G-UNNNNIIITTTTT !!

  4. The-XFacta Says:

    Curtis
    9.11.07
    Get your copy on reserve now!

  5. Phuque Says:

    Can’t forget “Graduation”….lol…

  6. The-XFacta Says:

    ^^^

    LOL.. I’m getting both….

    Yo Phuque don’t tell anyone but I’m buying the ‘Ye album and downloading the 50 joint….. SHHHHHHHHH

  7. Rey aka Kany-Emo West Says:

    LMAO..

    No Amount of Props, homey.

    Good shit, Phuque.

  8. Phuque Says:

    Yo Phuque don’t tell anyone but I’m buying the ‘Ye album and downloading the 50 joint….. SHHHHHHHHH

    ^^I wouldn’t waste the disk space on your computer.

  9. The-XFacta Says:

    Subscribe to My RSS Feed…
    …I’ll pay you🙂

    —————————

    *FLOOR*

  10. Phuque Says:

    Gracias Reymundo…

  11. The-XFacta Says:

    I really do think Fif is done after this flop, ahh, I mean album… I just wish some how Banks can get his swag back… I always thought Banks was that dude!!

  12. Phuque Says:

    The-XFacta Says:
    August 2nd, 2007 at 9:48 am edit

    I really do think Fif is done after this flop, ahh, I mean album… I just wish some how Banks can get his swag back… I always thought Banks was that dude!!

    ^^Yeah…Banks was always the nicest…but his voice annoyed me…that nigga needs to clear his throat…

  13. Rasheed Wallets Says:

    Rey said

    Good shit Phuque.

    ——————–

    … AYYYOOOOO !!! …

  14. Phuque Says:

    # Rasheed Wallets Says:
    August 2nd, 2007 at 9:51 am edit

    Rey said

    Good shit Phuque.

    ——————–

    … AYYYOOOOO !!! …

    ^^lol & smh….

  15. Rasheed Wallets Says:

    … Phuque … is that a picture of you at the top of the page ? …

  16. Phuque Says:

    ^^Yessur…Riley Escobar…

  17. Phuque Says:

    I don’t usually give out my guvment, so don’t tell nobody…

  18. the audience Says:

    Hilarious……

    great post PU (none)

  19. Phuque Says:

    # the audience Says:
    August 2nd, 2007 at 10:00 am edit

    Hilarious……

    great post PU (none)

    ^^Thanks famlay.

  20. Big Homie Says:

    LMAO I am dying over here laughing. Where the hell you come up with this shit Phuque?

  21. Phuque Says:

    # Big Homie Says:
    August 2nd, 2007 at 10:42 am edit

    LMAO I am dying over here laughing. Where the hell you come up with this shit Phuque?

    ^^Imagination is a helluva drug…

  22. hoodtalk.org Says:

    I love it!!! That’s that single most creative thing you could have ever done, Phuque. Kudos…

  23. Phuque Says:

    Thanks, little ferret friend.

  24. Paperstacker Says:

    LMAO, HAHHAAAA

    This shit is comedy

  25. hoodtalk.org Says:

    I WANNA BUTT FUCK YOU PHUQUE

  26. eskay Says:

    *applauds post*

  27. 911 Says:

    my comedy > yours.
    This will do in the interim though.
    Salute.

  28. Phuque Says:

    my comedy > yours.

    ^^link or die.

  29. AYO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY « MY HANGOVER Says:

    […] Operation ‘Save Curtis’ Curtis and the Unit confronted by Swizz & […]

  30. candyraindrops Says:

    GOOD POST PHUQUE!!… 2x will have fun with this.

  31. Kopasetik Says:

    Yo, that was bananas! Good job!

  32. green eyes Says:

    …DMX and Buck immediately lock eyes with each other and begin barking uncontrollably)

    ^^lmao… great post

  33. Bare Arms Says:

    ^^link or die.

    In a day or so…steel sharpen steel…so I hear. {Disclaimer}

  34. OnPoint Says:

    LMAO

    That is a funny ass skit in a hip-hop variety show. I want to say Dave Chapelle but this shit is too funny/original to compare it like that. Great post.

    Someone needs to set up the pilot too much potential.

  35. pockets Says:

    hahaha funny stuff man

    the best two lines:

    DMX and Buck immediately lock eyes with each other and begin barking uncontrollably

    Nigga if I wanted to know your opinion, I’d give you some Vitamin Water!!

  36. Belize Says:

    Hahahaha

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